


When Rafael Met Sonny

by rai_m



Series: When Rafael Met Sonny [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-07 21:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rai_m/pseuds/rai_m
Summary: "The first time we met, we hated each other.""No, you hated me, I didn't hate you.""And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me.""I did too, I remembered you.""The third time we met, we became friends."





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have picked up from the very imaginative title, based on When Harry Met Sally. Loosely, because I'm no Nora Ephron. Anything you recognise I have likely shamelessly nicked from her.

**2007**

“May I?”

Rafael looked up from his papers just as a coat and backpack dropped onto the seat next to him, making the man’s question unnecessary. He bit back a sigh and moved his briefcase underneath his feet.

The other man took his time settling into his seat, pulling out an excessive number of pens and paper for a two-hour law lecture. As soon as he was satisfied he was sufficiently prepared, he leaned over to Rafael. “Hey,” he whispered. “I’m Sonny.”

Rafael dutifully shook his hand. “Rafael.”

“Rafael,” Sonny repeated with a smile. “Are you with the firm?”

He gave a derisive shake of his head. The lecture was being given by a former partner with Folsom & Klein, and from what Rafael could pick up, he seemed to have brought half the firm with him. He was familiar with the firm from when he worked in Manhattan, and he didn't have a high opinion of it. “I’m an ADA, with the Brooklyn DA’s office.”

Sonny brightened. “An ADA? I’ve been thinking about becoming an ADA, I’ll have to catch up with you later, find out some more.”

Rafael hummed non-committedly. He was hoping that once the lecture was over, he’d be talking with more important people than an over-eager kid who looked like he was barely out of college.

Sonny looked like he was about to say more, but fortunately the lecturer arrived and Rafael was spared the torture of more small talk.

 

* * *

 

Rafael grabbed another glass of wine from the table, ignoring the judgmental look the waiter cast him. Really, he couldn’t be blamed. The only thing drier than the cheap wine had been the lecture itself, and the audience of lower tier defense attorneys that had filtered out into the drinks reception offered little chance for networking. If nothing else, he could at least try to numb his bad mood for free.

He was about halfway through the glass when it was snatched from his hand, and Rita crossed in front of him with a smirk, tipping his own glass at him before taking a sip and grimacing.

“Typical,” she muttered, handing it back to him. “So, what did you think?”

He felt a snort effectively communicated his thoughts.

She chuckled. “I have to agree. I was this close to walking out, but I was promised a free drink.”

“It’s not worth the price,” he said, taking a harsh gulp of wine.

“Doesn’t seem to be slowing you down.”

They shared a grin, and in the moment he felt a familiar twist of regret that their career paths had caused something of a rift between them. His gaze slipped away, and he hid his fading smile behind another sip of bad wine.

Rita shifted away in response, almost automatically, subtly increasing the distance between them. “So, why are you lurking silently in a corner?” She asked, after a brief silence. “I thought you’d be out there, shaking hands and making sure everyone knows your name.”

“There’s nobody out there worth making the effort for.”

“Snob.”

He shrugged. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be handing your card to anyone who looks rich and capable of violence?”

“Everyone is _capable_ of violence,” she said in a low tone, looking at him out of the side of her eye. “But I already made the rounds while you were over here scowling. Actually, I met someone you might...” She trailed off as she looked around the room until her eyes landed on someone standing on the edges of a group in the middle of the room. “Mr. Carisi!”

“Oh, Jesus,” Rafael muttered, recognizing him as his seatmate from the lecture.

Sonny made his way over to them, a brief look of surprise crossing his face when he saw Rafael. “Miss Calhoun?”

Rita glanced at him with a sly smile that Rafael recognized as the one she used when she was about to blindside him, and his eyes narrowed.

“I just wanted to introduce you to someone. You mentioned an interest in the District Attorney’s office?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m interested in everything, but…”

“Great.” Rita cut him off, turning back to Rafael with that smile. “This is my friend Rafael Barba, he works for the Brooklyn DA’s office. I’m sure he’d be thrilled to answer any questions you might have.”

“Oh, we’ve met, actually,” Sonny said, arching an eyebrow at Rafael.

“Perfect!” Rita said brightly. “Then I should leave you both to it.”

Rafael stared at her with all the restrained hatred he could muster. She smiled back sweetly, then walked off without a backward glance, leaving Rafael with his wide eyed new companion.

He took another gulp of wine. The burn would suggest it really wasn’t made to be drunk that way.

“So,” he said, making a reluctant attempt to be genial. “Carisi, was it?”

“Sonny, please.” He grinned and held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you properly, counselor.”

Rafael forced a smile and took his hand.

“My friend was just telling me about you, actually.” Sonny glanced over his shoulder, still holding Rafael’s hand. “About your work. You have a pretty impressive reputation.” He was leaning a little too close into Rafael’s space, close enough that Rafael could see the slight flush in his cheeks from the wine. He dropped his hand and took a deliberate step back.

“Thank you,” he said blandly. “What did you think of the lecture?”

“Oh, it was great! Really interesting.” He must have caught the look in Rafael’s eye because his smile faltered. “I don’t get many chances to go to things like this.”

"What brought you to this one?"  
  
"A friend. He thought I'd be interested."

"He didn't sit with you?"  
  
"No, he was sitting with some colleagues. He - I didn't think it would be appropriate."  
  
"Oh." It was odd, but Rafael wasn't interested in examining the dynamics of two strangers. "Well, if he suggests anything like this again I suggest you ignore him."

Sonny frowned. “You didn't think the lecture was good? I thought he sounded like he knew his stuff.”

“He did,” Rafael acknowledged. “For the most part, anyway. It was the delivery.”

“Oh, so you’re a drama critic?”

Rafael bristled. “It’s not _drama_ , it’s part of the job to be able to speak well, to be engaging. You can’t win round a jury by boring them to death.”

“Shouldn’t you be winning them round with the law?”

Something in his tone made Rafael feel like he was being teased, but he wasn’t in the mood to play along. “Of course. But sometimes the law is open to interpretation.”

Sonny nodded thoughtfully, and Rafael thought he was about to whip out a notepad.

“Where do you study, Sonny?”

“Oh, I don’t, not yet. I’m actually a cop.” He laughed at Rafael’s expression. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to bust anyone. I’ve always been interested in the law. It’s part of the reason I became a cop, though directing traffic isn’t exactly the dream. I’m planning to take a few years to work my way up to detective, then go to night school for my law degree.”

“That’s ambitious.” Rafael said, impressed more than anything by his confidence.

Sonny shrugged. It was deliberately self-effacing and didn’t quite hide his pride at the compliment. “I might have done it in a more straightforward way if things were different, but we can’t all rely on mommy and daddy to pay our school fees.”

The comment was aimed generally, and Rafael was sure that Sonny didn’t have the gall to be quite so passive aggressive to his face, but it was a sensitive point, and it riled him all the same.

“No, we can’t. In fact, some of us were good enough to get full scholarships.”

Sonny smirked, like this was banter, though Rafael certainly wasn’t engaging. “Good for some of us.”

“Right,” he muttered. He turned his back sharply, putting his now empty glass on the bar. “I should be going.”

“No, wait.” Sonny stepped forward, putting a hand up but stopping short of touching him. “I said something wrong, didn’t I?” He smiled apologetically when Rafael simply raised an eyebrow. “Let me buy you a drink.”

“The drinks are free.” 

“Okay.” He stretched out the word with just a touch of irritation. “Then let me hand you a free drink as a gesture.”

Rafael sighed with deliberate impatience. “There’s really no need.”

“Right. Okay.” Sonny looked a little relieved, but his seemingly permanent smile remained. “Well, maybe we can catch up some other time, talk more about working for the District Attorney.”

Rafael nodded and sidled past him. “I’d be happy to,” he muttered, confident that he was unlikely to cross paths with Sonny Carisi again.

 

 

** 2012 **

Someone was staring at him. Normally he would have brushed it off, but he’d caught the guy’s eye a few times and he could swear he knew him. He just couldn’t place his face. He hoped it wasn't from court.

“You should be drinking something a little gentler on the throat.”

Rafael didn’t try to hold back his smug smile. “Hello, Rita.”

“Rafael. That was certainly a bold play.”

“I like to make an impression.”

She sat down opposite him with an exaggerated sigh. “Well, impress on me a drink. I need to get rid of the image of you getting choked out with a belt.” She followed his eyes over her shoulder. “What are you looking at?”

He tutted at her obviousness. “I recognize that guy, the one in the henley. I’m trying to figure out how.”

“We met him at a lecture five years ago.”

Rafael frowned. “How in God’s name do you remember that?”

“That’s what happens when you make an effort to engage with people, Rafael. Maybe if you tried to make conversation with the little folk…”

“Rita.”

“He did some work with my old firm a few years ago. Mostly photocopying, but he knew one of the higher ups and sat in on a few meetings. I think he was a law student. Very keen, if I remember correctly.”

Rafael paused, thinking back. “Is he from Staten Island?”

Rita shrugged. “Somewhere with an accent. I notice I still don’t have a drink.”

Rafael rolled his eyes and drained his drink before standing up and heading to the bar. He ordered and was waiting for the barman to return when someone dropped onto the stool next to him.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I know you, don’t I?”

Rafael fixed Sonny with a stare. He would like to think he was memorable. “Rafael Barba,” he said, his tone cold. “I'm reliably informed that we met at a lecture several years ago.”

“Did we?”

Rafael tried to hide his offence. “About ethics in justice. You sat next to me, there was bad wine.”

“I don’t…oh.” A smirk broadened slowly across his face. “Rafael Barba, ADA from Brooklyn.” He leaned back in his stool, squinting at him. “If I remember correctly, you were kind of a dick.”

“If I remember correctly, you didn’t seem that upset. In fact." He hesitated before continuing, but he was never one to dance around what he wanted to say. "In fact at one point I thought you might have been flirting with me.”

Sonny's eyes grew wide. “Oh, shit.” He dropped his head into his hands and laughed. “I forgot about that."  
  
"I barely remember it myself," Rafael sniffed.

"Good, because no offence, counselor, but that wasn’t really about you.”

“Excuse me?”

Sonny ran a hand through his hair and continued to chuckle. “Okay, this is embarrassing.” He put his beer down with a clunk on the bar. “There was a guy there, I wanted him to pay more attention to me than he was, I thought flirting my way around the room might help.” He got it all out in one breath, and looked up at Rafael from under his lashes. “In my defence, I was in my 20s and probably more than a little tipsy.”

Rafael didn’t know whether to be flattered that he really had been flirting with him or offended that he seemed so embarrassed by it. He settled for a more neutral response. “Did it work?”

“Nope.”

The barman arrived with his drinks, and before Rafael could pay, Sonny reached across the bar. “Hey, let me get those. I never did buy you that drink, and I feel like I owe you an apology.”

Rafael almost refused, but Sonny was looking at him so earnestly he didn't feel he could. He nodded and Sonny smiled, handing over his card.

“So your 'guy',” Rafael asked, figuring it was only fair to continue the conversation while they waited on the payment going through. “He wasn't interested?”

“He said he just wanted to be friends.” He put air quotes around the last word, said with disdain.

Rafael raised an eyebrow. He thought Sonny would be the type to welcome new friends until they regretted making the suggestion in the first place. “That’s bad?”

“Just pointless,” Sonny said with a shrug. “You can’t be friends with someone you find attractive.”

That surprised a laugh out of Rafael. “That’s a very broad rule.”

“It’s true though. Sex always gets in the way. You want more, you get jealous, you get your heart broken. Boom, friendship ruined.”

Rafael couldn't help but smile. “Not to poke holes in your theory, Sonny, but you’re not talking about sex. You’re talking about feelings.”

Sonny stopped to for a moment to consider that. ”Well, they’re not always mutually exclusive.”

“Of course not.” He tipped his glass towards him. “You’re a romantic.”

Sonny frowned like he didn't know if he was being insulted. “So? What’s wrong with that?”

Nothing. It’s very sweet, Sonny.” He took a sip of his drink to cover his confusion that his reply had slipped out as genuine rather than patronizing. “My opinion on that aspect notwithstanding, I think you’re being ridiculous. It’s perfectly possible to be friends with someone you find attractive without turning into some kind of lovesick teenager.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, though a faint smile tugged at his lips. “Maybe for someone like you.”

Rafael would have responded with something appropriately cutting, he was sure, but he was interrupted by Rita who slapped a hand on his back and picked up the glass sitting on the bar in front of him. “Excuse me. If I’d realized it was self-service I would have gotten up several hours ago.”

“Sorry,” Sonny said. “My fault.” He slid off the stool and gave them both a short wave. “Good to see you again, counselor.”

Rafael watched him go back to his booth. When he turned back, Rita was watching him over the rim of her glass. “He seems nice.”

He lifted his glass and walked back to the table. “If you say so.”

 

 

**2014**

It took a day for Sonny to approach him, after the case was finished and everything had calmed down. He wasn’t surprised to walk into his office to find him sitting uneasily opposite Carmen, but then he hadn’t been hugely surprised to find him at the precinct in the first place. He was beginning to feel a sense of inevitability when it came to Sonny Carisi.

“Counselor.”

“Detective. Please come in.” He nodded to Carmen. “I won’t be long.”

He closed the door behind himself and sat down behind his desk. Sonny remained standing. “So. Manhattan SVU.”

“Yeah.”

“Not a lawyer yet?”

“Working on it. Night school.”

“Like you planned.” He smiled, but Sonny was looking at the floor. “What can I do for you, Detective?”

Sonny crossed his arms across his chest, still not meeting his eyes. “I wanted to say thanks, for not bringing up that we knew each other.”

“It was hardly the time.”

“I know. And I wanted to ask - could you maybe... I mean, could you…” He ran a hand through his hair, his movements stiff and jerky. “If you wouldn’t mind not telling the squad about our past conversations, I’d really appreciate it.”

Rafael frowned. They’d shared about a minute of conversation over seven years, and he didn’t think there was anything particularly incriminating in it. Sonny suddenly looked up at him, and realization dawned at the look in his eyes. “You’re not out.”

Sonny looked down again and shifted on his feet. “I was. Then I wasn’t. Now…” He shook his head. “Look, I’d just like to get my feet under the table first, let everyone see me as a cop before I’m the gay cop, you know what I mean?”

Rafael continued to frown. “Sonny, you know if anyone has said anything…”

“I know, Rafael. Counselor.” He corrected himself with a soft smile. “I know. It’s not a big deal, really. I’d just rather focus on the work right now, okay?”

“Is this why you have the...” He indicated his top lip.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He sat back in his chair and took Sonny in, the slicked back hair and moustache making him look older than Rafael knew him to be, the awkwardness in his stance completely different to the relaxed and outgoing man Rafael had met previously. But then he’d only ever known Sonny as a friendly face in a bar, a cheerful stranger. Never as a cop. “I wouldn’t have said anything. I won’t.”

Sonny breathed a sigh of relief that only made Rafael feel more concerned. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” He paused, knowing that whatever he said wouldn’t help much at this point. “For what it’s worth, Sonny, I know that squad. I know Liv. They won’t care.”

Sonny chuckled bitterly. “Yeah. I’ve thought that before too.”

Rafael swallowed past a heavy feeling in his chest as Sonny turned away.

“Sonny? Detective, I mean.”

Sonny smiled weakly at him. “You can call me Sonny, counselor, I think we can get away with that.”

Rafael huffed a laugh. “Okay then. Sonny. Do you want to grab some lunch?”

“What?”

“Think of it as a catch up with an old friend.” He grabbed his coat from where he had left it and brushed past Sonny to open the door, leaving him no time to protest. “Anyway, I’m starving.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd, apologies in advance for the mistakes.
> 
> Thanks for your comments on chapter 1. One more to go after this one.

**2016**

 

“I think I’m going to die alone.”

“Probably.” Rafael poked his burger with the side of his knife. “Why do you keep making me come to this place?”

“It’s close to work and I like the fries,” Sonny replied, stealing one of his to make the point. “Seriously, my mom suggested my sister and I buy a place together so we’d ‘have someone to look after each other’.”

“Which sister?”

“Gina.”

“Ha. No.”

“The choice of sister isn’t the problem.” He watched Rafael take the bun off his burger and scrape off the toppings. “Why do you do that? Just order it plain.”

“Then it’s too dry. I like a little sauce, not half the bottle.”

“And the taste of the onions, just not all the onions,” Sonny parroted back to him, having gone through this with him a hundred times before.

“I like things in moderation.” He wiped his hands on his napkin. “Loathe as I am to be drawn into this conversation with you again, have you considered the radical idea of dating?”

“I date,” Sonny protested, affronted.

Rafael barked a laugh. “When do you date?”

“What about whatstheirname, the blind date.”

“It doesn’t count if the date doesn’t show, Sonny.”

“They still agreed to it.” he muttered petulantly. “Look, dating’s not that easy for me. I barely have the time to leave the precinct these days.”

Rafael hummed. He figured it wasn’t easy for a variety of reasons, one of which being why Sonny studiously avoided pronouns when they were near the precinct, but that was another conversation they’d had repeatedly.

“Plus, if I ever do manage to have dinner with someone we always end up talking about sex crimes.”

“May I suggest the weather as a future topic of conversation?”

Sonny gave him a withering look. “All I’m saying, it’s hard to meet the right people.”

“What about the internet, or one of those dating apps?”

Sonny rolled his eyes and fell back in his chair. “They’re just for hookups.”

“Not necessarily, not anymore.” Sonny raised a curious eyebrow. “So I hear. Anyway.” He lifted his burger to take a bite. “Would that be such a terrible thing?”

Sonny scoffed. “Yes. I’m not like you, I can’t just…”

“Sonny,” Rafael interrupted. “I don’t know when you’re imagining I fit in all this casual sex, but any time I’m not working I spend with you or Liv, and attractive as she is-”

“Yeah, okay, thank you. I’m not talking about the sex. I’m fine at the sex-.”

“Fine? Wow.”

“I’m great at the sex,” he clarified with a smirk, and Rafael felt a tingle creep up the back of his neck that he put down to the diner’s air-con. “It’s the aftermath. I’ve never been very good at… extricating myself.”

“I’m desperately going to need you to be more specific.”

Sonny rolled his eyes at the implication. “I mean when you’re done, and you want to leave.”

“Then you leave. Or you ask them to leave.”

“It’s so awkward though. Don’t you find it awkward?”

“Of course it’s awkward. You just have to embrace it. Or lie.”

“Do you lie?”

Rafael shrugged. “I may have told people I needed to leave to be with my sick mother.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Sonny said, though a smile was tugging at the corner of his lips.

Rafael smirked. “In fairness, it was a long time ago, and he had a pretty good time.”

“If you do say so yourself.”

He preened. “Oh, I do.”

“Oh yeah? How can you be sure?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

“Sonny.”

Sonny looked at him innocently. “I’m just saying, 25% of gay men have admitted to faking it at one time or another.”

“You just had that statistic to hand?”

“I read a lot.”

“It’s what you’re reading that worries me.” Rafael took a sip of water and raised his chin pointedly. “Anyway, I know the difference.”

Sonny snorted and took a bite of his food. He moaned around the burger in a way that was entirely unsuitable for something that was held together by grease and salt. “Mmmm. Oh God. Oh. Oh, yeah.” He shifted forward in his chair and braced himself against the table, moaning breathily. A few patrons started to turn around, watching them with confusion. “Oh _God_.”

Rafael looked at him mildly. “If this display is going to end with you shooting mayonnaise all over the table, I will sue you.”

Sonny laughed so hard he almost choked on his food. Rafael managed to keep a straight face until he heard a mumble from a nearby table.

“I’ll have what he’s having.”

 

* * *

 

It was meant to be a quick drink to commiserate with the squad over a lost case, but none of them had been keen to turn down a second round. He was drinking alone because Sonny was in a mood with him, had taken issue with Rafael refusing to bring up a precedent some idiot tutor had planted in his head once, though the alcohol looked to be calming him down.

Liv eased herself into the booth next to him. “You good?”

He shrugged. “Had better days.” She ran a comforting hand down his back. She’d told him repeatedly that he’d done the best he could and he knew she was right, but a loss was a loss.

“How’s Carisi?”

“He’s had better days too. He’ll be fine, he just needs to mope for a while longer.”

Liv nodded with a thoughtful hum, and glanced over her shoulder. “Don’t blow up at me for this,” she said quietly.

He frowned at her. She rarely beat around the bush with him; they’d known each other too long to be anything but straightforward. “I make no promises.”

She took a deep breath. “Is there something going on I should be aware of?”

Rafael took a deliberate pause. “Specifically?” He knew what she was getting at, always knew that she’d eventually get around to asking the question, but any acknowledgement of it would be an admission Sonny didn’t want to make.

“Specifically, is my ADA dating my detective?”

“No.” He answered quickly and didn’t elaborate, fixing Liv with a challenging stare.

She didn’t look away. “I’ve known for a while. I called his old sergeant shortly after he started with SVU, to try and get a feel for him.”

“And?”

“And he was old school and I’m not an idiot. I read between the lines.”

He knew what sergeant she was talking about, the one Sonny had said made him feel _ashamed_ for the first time since he was a Catholic teenager in a small neighborhood, and how much that had frightened him. It was right before he’d joined SVU. Sonny hadn't given him his name and made him promise not to look him up, and Rafael had agreed before looking him up anyway. He knew there wasn't much he could do while Sonny refused to give him any details of what the sergeant had said or done, but at least he had a face to silently fume at. He was suddenly aware of Liv watching him, and tried to pull his expression back into neutrality. 

Liv smiled at him sympathetically. “Does anyone else know? About Carisi?”

“Rollins.” They hadn’t gotten off to the best start, but they’d grown closer after Jesse was born, and Sonny felt like he needed to tell her. She’d been fine, of course, and told him the same thing Rafael had been telling him for two years, that he should tell Liv. He’d brushed them both off with some comment about it not being an afterschool special, and he didn’t need to make some big announcement. Rafael had let him be, and Rollins had shrugged it off with all the nonchalance of someone who had their own secrets to hide.

“Rollins. That’s good,” Liv murmured. “I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide anything.” She pulled her glass towards herself and ran a thumb along the rim. “The thing is, I’m not the only one who’s curious.”

“I don’t care about rumors.”

“They’re not just about you,” she said, her eyes flicking over to the bar where Sonny was talking with Rollins.

He took her point. “What do you want me to do, make a public declaration?”

“I’m just letting you know what’s being said. I know you don’t like people talking behind your back. And,” she continued, “you should know the NYPD isn’t the only place with a rumor mill.”

He sighed. Rita had already made a few jibes about him being too close to his squad, though he’d shrugged it off, knowing that he’d always been careful with his personal relationships and confident that no one could successfully argue against his impartiality. Still, he wasn’t happy about it. And he knew Sonny would be even less happy.

The drinks ended early, when Liv and Rollins had to leave and no one else felt much like sticking around. They all went their separate ways with a muted wave, and Rafael was back in his apartment reheating some takeout when Sonny called.

“What are you doing?”

“Reheating some questionable noodles. You?”

“Watching Die Hard.”

“I thought that was your Christmas movie.”

“It’s my comfort movie.”

“That raises a whole host of psychological questions.”

Sonny laughed and with that, they fell back into their rhythm. Rafael shouldered the phone while he pulled out cutlery and plates, complained about defense attorneys, and dutifully listened while Sonny told him about the newest developments in the life of Jesse Rollins.

“Amanda said something weird the other night,” Sonny said, his voice deceptively light.

Rafael twisted some noodles around his fork. “Oh?”

“She asked me if we were dating.”

“Me and you, we?”

“Yeah.”

Rafael exhaled through his nose as he weighed up the pros and cons of telling him. “Liv asked the same thing, tonight. Apparently there have been some... rumors.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Rafael felt a swirl of anxiety. “I didn’t say anything to her.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

This time Rafael was silent. He pushed his food around his plate with a slow scrape. “Is it?”

“Yeah. I mean… yeah, of course.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Soon after that Sonny started to pull away. Not completely, but they walked to court together less, and lunches alone became rare. Dinner and drinks stopped altogether, and Sonny never called at night to talk about nothing. They still spoke, but it was superficial. He started to hear more about Sonny from other people. From Fin, that someone had pointed a gun at him but he was fine, from Rollins, that his sister was pregnant again and he was thrilled. From Liv, that Sonny had come out to her, that he’d dropped it casually into conversation in the middle of a case. Sonny never mentioned it to him, even after the fact, and he never asked about it. It became one of the many things they didn’t talk about while not talking to each other.

He didn’t know how long it lasted. He wasn’t one to count. But the attempts at indifference, at tiptoeing around each other, came to an end when Sonny called one night with a shaky voice and wouldn’t give an answer when Rafael asked if he was okay. Rafael forgot every promise not to come running when Sonny called and was at his door in less than an hour.

It turned out to be less dramatic than he was expecting, a standard case by SVU’s standards, but there was a kid involved, and Sonny had let it get to him.

“She looked at me like I could fix everything, and there was nothing I could do." He brushed at his eyes, dry and tired, staring into his second bottle of beer.

“You did your job.”

“It’s not enough.”

“It never is,” Rafael agreed.

There was a beat of silence. Sonny turned the bottle around in his hands, pretending to read the label. “I’m sorry we haven’t talked much lately.”

Rafael took a swig of his own beer. “I hadn’t noticed.”

Sonny’s lips twisted in a wry smile. “Right.” He drained the last of his drink and set the bottle down. “I did a little checking into the rumors you talked about. I guess I let them get to me.”

Rafael shrugged. “I understand. It’s difficult, being a cop...”

“Not about me. About you.”

Rafael looked up at him sharply. “What?”

“They were about you, and they weren't just coming from the Department." He clenched his jaw tightly. "I didn’t want people to talk about you like you weren’t doing your job right. Your career means everything to you, I didn’t want anyone implying shit that could screw that up.”

Rafael sighed with exasperation. His savior complex really could get tedious sometimes. “Sonny. If there had been anything to worry about I would have told you. And you know I don’t care about what people say.”

Sonny snorted. “We both know that’s not entirely true.”

“And we both know this wasn’t entirely about me.”

Sonny smiled in resignation. “Fine, you got me. I mightn’t have been crazy about what they were saying about me either.” His smile grew softer as he bumped shoulders with him. “I just didn’t want to be something that made your life more difficult.”

“It’s been too late for that for years,” Rafael muttered, still put out that Sonny had practically blanked him for weeks over something that was, to his mind, nonsense.

Sonny laughed and Rafael, surprised by the force of his own relief at hearing that sound again, couldn't help but smile. “I hear you talked to Liv.”

“Yeah. I mean, she knew anyway, but I didn’t want her to feel like I was hiding anything.”

“Still. I’m proud of you.”

Sonny looked at him with that soft smile and Rafael rolled his eyes. “Don’t make a thing about it.” He put down his own empty bottle and stood, reaching for Sonny’s. Sonny’s hand closed around the neck of the bottle just as he reached for it, and their fingers brushed. Rafael smiled, relaxed and at ease again, and ran his knuckles gently across Sonny’s hand. Sonny looked as surprised as he was by the casual intimacy of the gesture, and Rafael pulled his hand away. Quickly, Sonny reached out and caught him by the wrist. He looked up at Rafael, his eyes wide and blue and uncertain. Rafael took a step forward, and Sonny stood. The silence between them was charged, his blood pulsing everywhere Sonny stood too close to him. He thought he said Sonny’s name. He wasn’t sure. Everything went blank once he kissed him.

 

* * *

 

 The worst thing, Rafael realized, was that he’d known it was a mistake from the off. He’d just forced it to the back of his mind because there was no room for it, not with Sonny so close, touching him and crowding out every rational thought. But as soon as the heat died down into cold silence, and Sonny was lying uncomfortably still in his arms, he knew.

Maybe that wasn’t the worst thing. The worst thing was knowing all that and still not wanting it to be a mistake.

Sonny finally shifted in his arms and turned his back to drag himself out of the bed. Rafael turned his head away as he pulled on his pants.

“You, uh, you want a drink?”

“No. Thank you.”

Sonny nodded slightly and left the room. Rafael pulled the duvet over his chest and tried to think.

Sonny didn’t come back to the bed, instead he stood stiffly in the doorway when he returned, his eyes fixed on the glass of water in his hand. “So. Thanks for coming over.” He coughed. “I gotta be at work in an hour, so.”

Rafael was reminded of a conversation they’d once had in that greasy diner Sonny liked. How to get rid of someone after sleeping with them. When it was casual. When it meant nothing. His stomach churned, and he didn’t know if it was shame or hurt. Maybe it was just the beer catching up to him. 

“We should have dinner,” Sonny said softly.

“Sure,” Rafael said, distracted by trying to gather his clothes and his dignity. “Call me.” 

He told Liv. He had to, Sonny was her detective. Plus it had been hours since he'd bolted out of the apartment and the only other person he would talk to about these things still hadn’t called him. She looked at him with a disappointment he expected, and a touch of pity he didn’t.

“Are you okay?”

He laughed shortly. “I’m more embarrassed than anything. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Liv made an indecipherable noise in the back of her throat. “So, what are you going to do?”

“I’ll just tell him it was a mistake. I’m pretty sure he agrees with me on that anyway.” He shook his head at Liv’s frown. “It’ll be fine. We’ve known each other a long time, it’ll be fine.”

Liv patted him on the arm and was kind enough not to mention the desperate lilt to his voice. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he held up the screen to her.

“There, see? Dinner’s planned. It’ll be fine.”

 

* * *

 

Sonny booked a table in a moderately fancy restaurant neither of them liked, and they found themselves squeezed into a back table both studying the menu intently so they didn’t have to look at each other.

“So,” Sony started, uncertain.

“It was a mistake,” Rafael blurted out, and he hated the fact that Sonny immediately looked relieved.

“God, I’m glad you think so too. I mean, it was great.”

“Sure. It was.”

“Just… a mistake. Too much beer, not enough sleep. Not a recipe for great decision making.”

“Right,” Rafael attempted to laugh. It came out a little too rough.

Sonny smiled tightly, and went back to examining the menu. “I wonder what their pasta is like?” He asked to no one in particular. He tapped his fingers on the table, and Rafael swallowed, thinking of how the same fingers had run down his skin the night before, pressing and clawing and stroking; how he’d grabbed his hands and held them against the bed while Sonny moaned his name.

He realized he’d waited too long to reply, too long for something so innocuous, and by the time he shook himself back into the moment it would have sounded stupid to say anything. The dinner continued like that for another excruciating hour, both of them attempting conversation and then failing. They knew too much about each other to make the usual small talk and yet they felt like strangers, completely ill at ease with one another.

At the end of the night Sonny waved him off to walk home by himself, and Rafael sank into the back seat of the cab, hit with the realization that he'd never been through anything like this before, and had no idea how to fix what he’d broken.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael thought he might be in love with Sonny Carisi. It came to him suddenly, and was hard to define. In many ways, it didn’t feel that different. Just bigger, and more desperate, more painful. He wondered briefly if he should talk to someone about it, but the thought of saying it out loud was somehow worse than listening to it scream around his head at night while he tried to sleep, so he said nothing and stuck to his tried and true method of avoiding the issue. Avoiding Sonny completely outside of work, maintaining a professional distance otherwise. For his part, Sonny didn’t seem that upset. At least, he didn’t try to reach out.

He caught Liv looking at them sometimes with the mix of pity and disappointment she’d shown him when he first told her about what had happened. She’d checked with him around 10 times if he was still happy to drop by and celebrate Noah’s birthday, he’d told her yes every time, and he immediately regretted it when he showed up and saw Sonny leaning against the counter in her suddenly too-small apartment.

Sonny smiled faintly at him and he felt himself smile back, more out of habit than anything else. Liv’s hand was on his back, gently but insistently guiding him towards Noah, who greeted him with an excited shout. Rafael relaxed into a genuine smile and knelt to join him at the table where he was playing. He liked Noah, he was a sweet kid, bright and funny, and most importantly he acted as a pretty good buffer when Sonny dropped to the floor next to him.

“What are we playing?”

“Robots,” Noah said cheerfully. He handed a red one to Sonny. “Here, you play.”

Sonny grinned and tapped his robot against Rafael’s. “So, what’s the plot, Noah? What’s my motivation?”

Noah giggled. “You’re silly.”

“Yep.”

Rafael couldn’t look at him, but he could tell he was turned towards him, smiling. He fiddled with the arms on his own robot. “So, Noah. Does your robot have a name?”

“Um…” He considered the figure carefully. “I think he’s just called Robot.”

“Fair enough.”

They continued like that for a while, playing with Noah, their shoulders brushing, not looking at each other, until Liv stroked Noah’s hair and told him it was time for bed.  In the midst of his protests, Sonny leaned over to whisper to Rafael.

“Can we talk?”

Rafael sighed. This was what he’d been hoping to avoid, although he knew it was inevitable. He nodded, and let Sonny lead him out the door.

“That was nice,” Sonny said, closing the door with a click. “He’s a great kid.”

“He has a good mom.”

“Right.” Sonny settled against the wall opposite the door. “So, how’ve you been?”

Rafael cycled through a range of responses, from the true to the dramatic. “Good,” he said eventually.

Sonny didn’t comment on the pause, though from the way his eyes narrowed, he noticed it. “That’s good. You’ve been quiet lately.”

“Sonny.”

“What.”

“Let’s not do this. Not here.”

Sonny laughed a short, desperate laugh. “Do what?” He shook his head when Rafael didn’t answer. “Come on, Raf. Can’t we get past this?”

Rafael scoffed and turned back to the door, not quickly enough to keep Sonny from grabbing his arm.

“Are we going to carry this around forever?”

Defensive, upset and more than a little ashamed, Rafael shook off his grip. “Forever? Sonny, it just happened.”

“It happened three weeks ago.”

The incredulity with which he said it, as though he’d already forgotten it had happened, shifted Rafael’s anger into weariness. “Look, Sonny. I know it didn’t mean anything to you-”

“I’m not saying it didn’t mean anything, I’m saying why does it have to mean everything?” His voice was harsh as he tried to keep from shouting outside the thin walls of Liv’s apartment. He closed his eyes and settled himself. “I know we screwed up, but come on. Raf, we’re friends.”

Guilt clawed at Rafael and he almost broke. Almost gave in and said he was being ridiculous, that he was making something out of nothing, that they should go for a drink and talk about their lives like best friends do. But the words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t fall back into old patterns with Sonny, couldn’t talk about work and life and dating, couldn't pretend that every second he didn’t want more. It wasn’t fair to Sonny, and more importantly, selfishly, he didn’t want to.

“Maybe you were right.”

“Right? Right about what?”

“That sex gets in the way of friendship.”

Sonny went very still. “You said I wasn’t talking about sex,” he said slowly. “You said I was talking about feelings.”

Rafael looked away. “Yeah. Yeah I did.”

Sonny dropped back, the fight leaving him in a shuddering breath. Rafael found he couldn’t meet his eyes long enough to read his expression, but he saw him open his mouth to speak then close it, as for once he seemed to be without the right words.

“I need to say goodbye to Liv.” Rafael slipped back through the door and pressed it closed, hiding that look on Sonny’s face and shutting out his own regret.

 

* * *

 

**_Hey, so I guess you’re in court or whatever. I was just calling to say… something. I guess. Anyway, call me back._**

**_Hi, me again. Just checking in._ **

**_So, the fact you’re not calling me back means one of three things. A, you don’t want to speak to me. B, you want to speak to me but you’re busy working yourself into exhaustion again. Or C, you’re not busy, desperately want to talk to me, but are trapped under something heavy. If it’s B or C, please call me back._ **

**_At some point this seems desperate, right? Anyway, I’m at home right now, watching five people argue over how to cook a turkey, so I just thought I’d call and say Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Raf._ **

The guilt that curled in his chest every time he ignored one of Sonny’s calls spiked at the last message. He was in the middle of talking himself out of calling him back when Sonny saved him the trouble and called again. He blamed the scotch in his other hand for making him swipe to answer the call.

“Hi.”

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end. “Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting you to pick up.”

“You want me to hang up?”

“I mean, I had the whole voicemail message planned. There was going to be music.”

He could hear the smile in Sonny’s voice but couldn’t bring himself to match it. His response was only an echo of their usual banter. “Probably best I picked up then.”

“Probably. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” he lied.

There was a pause and he imagined Sonny was debating whether or not to pick him up on that. He seemed to decide it wasn’t worth it and asked him if he’d had a good Christmas instead.

“It was nice,” Rafael replied. “Mass then dinner. The usual.”

“Same,” Sonny chuckled. “Though ours was probably a little louder.”

Rafael didn’t doubt that. The Carisi family was loud enough on an average day, let alone on Christmas, especially with all those kids running around. “How’s your sister?” He asked, remembering that she was expecting again.

“Still pregnant and mad at the inconvenience.” He paused. “Thanks for asking,” he added warmly.

Rafael nodded, then remembered that didn’t translate over the phone. “Sure.”

“So… you’re good?”

“I… yeah. I’m good.” There was another long pause. “Did you need something?”

“Oh, yeah. Are you doing anything for New Year’s? Because we’re throwing a bit of a party at the precinct. Nothing big, just something to give the guys that still have to work a bit of a break. You can come, you know, if you want.”

Rafael waited for Sonny to pause for breath before answering. “Rita mentioned a party an old friend of ours is throwing. I was thinking about showing my face.” Rita hadn’t strictly invited him, but she had happened to mention the party after telling him that his mood was scaring the court paralegals, which he didn’t think was a coincidence.

“Oh.” Sonny sounded disappointed, before quickly brightening. “You need a partner? Because I gotta say, hanging out at a police station by myself on New Year’s is a depressing prospect.”

“Sonny.” His name came out as a sigh.

“What?” He could tell by the tightness in Sonny’s voice that he knew what was coming.

“I can’t do this. You know that. I can’t pretend everything’s fine, that nothing’s changed.”

Sonny was silent on the other end of the line. If he couldn’t still hear his breathing, Rafael would have thought he’d hung up. “I’m not the one who changed things, Rafael.” He spoke quietly, sadly, with a hint of accusation.

“I know.” He had no excuses to offer.

“Look, things got… confusing back then. I know that, of course they did. But, can’t we just go back to being friends? I liked that, it was easy.”

He thought about how easy it had been with Sonny, to go from grabbing lunch together to dinner after almost every case. To talking with Sonny until they almost fell asleep on the phone. Telling him about his father, Sonny telling him about his priest growing up. How easily it had all flowed. How thought about how difficult it would be now, knowing that he’d always have to be on his guard with Sonny, always have to keep a rein on his emotions when he was around him.

“Rafael.” Sonny broke quietly into his thoughts. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. He’d thought about it, or tried to think about it, but he had never been good at self examination. “I really don’t, I just looked at you one day and it was different.”

Sonny sighed, and Rafael knew he wanted a different answer. Something he could respond to. “So what do we do?”

“Just give me some time, Sonny. I want to work this out, but I just need some space.”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll see you at work?”

“Of course.”

He dropped the phone on the couch and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes before getting up and pouring himself another drink.

 

* * *

 

“You’re bringing the mood down.”

He’d made the regrettable decision to join Rita at the New Year’s Eve party, and had spent the last few hours grunting responses to anecdotes he wasn’t listening to. He was sure he didn’t look like the embodiment of party spirit, scowling in a dark corner.

He took the glass Rita offered. “I get that a lot.”

“I’m sure.” The briefest touch of a frown crossed her face. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong? I promise not to be sympathetic.”

He sighed around his drink. “I’m a terrible person and a bad friend.”

“True. Is that it?”

He laughed at her welcome lack of concern. “Yeah. That’s it.”

She patted him on the back. “If it helps, you’re not the worst person I know.”

Rafael gave her a dry look. “You know Buchanan.”

“Come on,” she laughed. “Come sit with people. It’s better than moping over here by yourself.”

Rafael looked at the group of loud, laughing people Rita was trying to direct him towards. He felt crowded by them already. “Rita, I’m not really in the mood.” He downed the rest of his drink in one burning gulp. “I think I should just go.”

“No, come on, stay.” She placed a hand on his arm and he blinked up at her, surprised by the touch. “You’re never going to get a cab now.”

He hesitated, but shook off her hand. “I’ll walk.” He pushed past her, needing to be out of the room, needing air. He almost made it to the door when Sonny burst in.

He looked around wildly until his eyes found Rafael, and he broke into a tentative smile as he jogged over.

“Hey.”

Rafael stared at him in confusion. “How did you know where I was?”

“I called Carmen. She gave me the address after a talk about appropriate use of her personal number.” Sonny sounded breathless, like he’d been running. “I needed to talk to you.”

Rafael closed his eyes. He wanted to leave, to get pack to his apartment without any more talking, but he knew that he owed Sonny. He nodded.

Sonny breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay. So, I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about what happened, what changed for you, and well, I love you.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “No, you don’t. Now if that’s all, I need to go home.”

“Wait, Rafael.” He took his hand, and held on when Rafael tried to pull away. “I mean it. I’m in love with you.”

“No, Sonny.” He gave up on trying to free his hand and led Sonny over to the quieter side of the room. “Look, I get it, it’s New Year’s Eve, you’re lonely, and I’m sorry things aren’t great between us right now. But you can’t just turn up here and say you love me because you think it’ll make things easier. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Then how does it work?”

“I don’t know, but not like that.”

“How about like this?” Sonny took his other hand and pulled him closer, forcing him to meet his eyes. “I love that you match your socks to your tie. I love that it takes you an hour to reassemble a hamburger. I love that you always need the last word, even though it drives me crazy. I love how much you care, and I love how bad you are at pretending that you don’t. And I love that you’re the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve.” His voice started to rise as he worked himself up. “I’m here because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Rafael stared blankly at him, trying to process all the information that had come at him, but everything he just heard faded into a rush of noise as he looked into Sonny’s eyes, scared and hopeful and, he thought, maybe, full of love.

Sonny squeezed his hands. “Can you say something, please?”

A slow smile spread across Rafael’s face. “You’re letting me have the last word?”

“Even though it drives me crazy,” Sonny breathed, pulling him forward into a kiss.

Rafael laughed into the kiss, part happiness, part relief. “I love you too,” he murmured against Sonny’s lips, feeling his smile before he broke away.

“Sorry I took so long,” Sonny whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

Rafael wrapped his arms around his best friend as the party continued to spin round them, strains of Auld Lang Syne mixing with the voices and laughter. He smiled to himself as he thought of what the song was about. Old friends. He pulled Sonny closer. “It was time well spent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Now go watch When Harry Met Sally.


End file.
